What do you do when you’re burnt out and can’t just quit?

Today I want to talk about the other side of burnout. The times when it isn’t quite what we think it is.

A lot of things contribute to burnout. Some of them are completely outside our control. But there are others, more than we realize, that are within it.

Whenever I’ve worked with clients who are burnt out at work, someone on the outside can easily say, why don’t you just quit? Why don’t you just change your situation? But it’s not that easy. If it were, we wouldn’t have so many people living in that exhausted, depleted place.

So when quitting your job or changing your environment isn’t an option you actually have, what can you do?

The trap of focusing on what we can’t control

When we think about burnout, we usually point to the things we can see. The workload. The resources we don’t have. The environment. The people who make us feel inadequate or stressed.

All of those are valid. Every single one. But notice something: they’re also outside of our control.

And when we keep our focus on what’s outside our control, it puts us in a place of hopelessness and helplessness without our even knowing it. We settle into that place, and from there we keep feeding the very thing we’re trying to get out of.

So what I want to look at here isn’t the stuff you can’t change. It’s the internal things that are still yours.

Perception is everything

Sometimes we don’t realize what kind of perception we have access to in a hard moment. When we’re in the middle of burnout, clarity is the first thing to go. We struggle to see, what can I do here? How could I look at this differently?

But it starts with what’s happening inside you. Your thoughts trigger an emotion automatically, and that emotion matches the thought. There’s no separating the two.

I use an example with my clients all the time. Imagine you’re driving and somebody cuts you off. The first thing that crosses your mind is, this jerk, I could have crashed. What emotion is going to come from that thought? Anger, irritation, feeling disrespected, you name it.

Because we live in a body that lets an emotion rise the second we perceive something, and that emotion has to match the thought.

Now take the same moment. Somebody cuts you off, your first thought is this jerk, but then you catch yourself. Wait, hold on. Did I actually crash? And if the answer is no, thankfully nothing happened. What emotion comes now? Probably relief, maybe even peace. Somewhere completely different from where you started.

That switch isn’t pretending nothing happened. It’s choosing a different thought and letting a different emotion follow.

Compassion as the filter

If you choose a compassionate state toward yourself, I promise it will give you the clarity you need to create some balance in your life.

Here’s what that looks like day to day. You can have a whole list of tasks in front of you, but the moment you think about all of them at once, that triggers overwhelm. And in that overwhelm, we’re rarely kind to ourselves.

So use compassion as a filter for the thoughts you’re having. When you feel the weight of everything you have to do today, notice what happens in your body. If it’s stress, I want you to see that, without any judgment, as a form of self-attack.

Not on purpose. I can’t say that enough. Not on purpose. But it’s still an attack, because you’re putting your body in a state of readiness to react when there’s nothing to react to. There’s no real danger. Your life isn’t at risk. It’s the perception of everything you have to do that’s getting your body ready to protect you.

From what, though? From a perception.

So filter it. Is this a compassionate way to look at everything on my plate? And if the answer is no, then ask, what’s another way I could see this? That question is compassion.

There’s a reality here. We’re not lying to ourselves. Yes, there’s a lot that needs to get done. Can I do it all at once? No. Then what’s the priority? When you talk to yourself that way, you organize your thoughts, you bring yourself back to the present, and you choose where your focus goes. Then you ask, how can I make this task enjoyable? Put some music on. Have a little fun with it. Finish this one, then go to the next.

Most people say these things to themselves from a place of pressure, not compassion. That’s why it never sticks.

Why the body sounds the alarm

I can’t tell you how many clients, when I was working at a medical center, came to their first session saying, I don’t know what happened, I had a panic attack out of nowhere.

But it doesn’t happen out of nowhere. A panic attack is your body fighting something it can’t even name. And if that’s true, can you also see how we attack ourselves depending on how we see things? It goes against what feels good in your body.

Anything that doesn’t feel good in your body is just asking for your attention.

And this will happen. There’s no escaping stress or anger or irritability completely. This isn’t about never feeling those things. It’s about seeing them for what they are, a signal that you’ve stepped outside your natural state, which is peace, joy, contentment, curiosity, wonder. Those emotions are there to flag it every time.

But when stress becomes a pattern, it’s usually a perception problem. And a perception problem is the thing that needs our attention. How have I been seeing my life that keeps leading me here?

I’ve heard so many people say, I feel guilty because everything is going well, and I still don’t feel happy. So they find things to do, and more things to do, until they overwhelm themselves. Sometimes we create the very reality that exhausts us.

I’m not saying burnout is always something we bring on ourselves. But often our perception has led us there. So ask yourself: how comfortable are you putting everything down and just sitting? How comfortable are you taking a vacation and truly letting go, not worrying about a single thing? How comfortable are you watching someone you love struggle, trusting they can move through it, without rushing in to pull them out?

Those small moments tell us a lot about the overthinking that quietly builds into burnout.

The three rooms

Here’s an image I want to leave you with.

Think of anxiety as tied to the future, and depression as tied to the past.

When you think, I have to get this done, I’m going to be late to that meeting, I still have this project, then I have to pick up the kids, none of that is happening right now. You’re anticipating. But your subconscious doesn’t know time. It’s like watching a suspenseful, scary movie, your body reacts as if it’s real and starts getting you ready for it. Except you’re not there yet. That’s anxiety. Picture it as a room you keep walking into.

Depression, or that heavy lack of motivation, is the same thing turned backward. I shouldn’t have said that. I can’t believe that person did that to me. The emotion attaches to a memory, and because your mind knows there’s nothing you can do about the past, you get hopelessness, resentment, sadness. That’s another room.

The way most of us live is jumping between those two rooms. The future one, then the past one, over and over.

But there’s a room we rarely step into. The present room. And it’s the one that holds all the tools and all the clarity. Because in the present, you can ask the only question that matters in that moment: right now, am I safe? Am I in danger?

And if the answer is no, if there’s no real threat to your life, then you can settle yourself in safety. I have food. I have air. I have a roof over my head. I am safe. Period.

From that place of safety, you can look at any other emotion honestly. Okay, where is my mind taking me? Am I anticipating too much? If there’s nothing to be done about it right now, I can plan for it, prepare for it, and then let it go. And once I’ve done that, how do I come back to the present and make this moment something I enjoy?

I’m telling you, from that clarity, people start to see past the things they can’t control. They notice options they couldn’t see before. And more than that, they give themselves permission to go after them, options that are so much better than the ones keeping them stuck in distress.

Because when you’re in the middle of the distress, clarity is the first thing to go. Compassion is your way back to it. From there, you know what feels right for your mind, your emotions, your body, your soul.

Your part in it

So to bring it back: even with everything outside our control, we always have a choice in how we approach burnout. The work is to look honestly at what your part might be, whether it lives in how you’re seeing things or in what you’re choosing, because you’re more than capable of finding the compassion and love that give you clarity, balance, and the peace you’re looking for.

I’ll leave you with this question. What are you doing today to choose compassion for yourself?

To choose a state of compassion that changes your relationship with yourself, the most important relationship you’ll ever have. Because it’s from that relationship that you show everyone around you the kind of relationship you’re willing to have.

— Roselyn Pérez Casiano