They Don’t Want Your Advice. They Want to Be Heard.

One of my biggest assumptions as a therapist was believing that just because a client sought help through therapy, they were willing to work on their problems in the way I envisioned the work to be done.

This misconception is not only present in the therapy world. It shows up in most interactions we have with other people across different areas of our lives.

I can’t tell you how many times friends, family members, and acquaintances have approached me to ask for my opinion about someone they care about. It usually goes something like this:

Person: “Since you’re a therapist, can you tell me how to help (blank) with a difficult situation they’re facing? I told them to do (x, y, z), but they continue to struggle with this, and I don’t know what else to do!”

Me: “The next time you see them, if the problem persists, ask them this one question:

‘Help me show up for you in the way you need most right now. Would you like me to simply listen, or are you looking for advice on what actions you can take?’

After they respond, share their answer with me, and we’ll take it from there.”

Person: (A couple of hours or days later)

“They said they only wanted me to listen, nothing else.”

Nine times out of ten, this is the response people give.

Why we jump to fixing

When someone we care about is struggling, the discomfort we feel watching them isn’t only about them. It’s about us, too.

Their pain touches something in us. And offering a solution, telling them what to do, giving them the three steps we’re certain will work, becomes a way to move through our own discomfort faster. If they would just fix it, we wouldn’t have to sit in that uncomfortable place with them.

So we jump to doing. Not because it’s what they need, but because being with someone in their pain, without rushing to change it, asks more of us than we realize.

It asks us to tolerate not having the answer. It asks us to stay present when everything in us wants to resolve the tension. And for many of us, that stillness feels harder than any advice we could give.

What ‘listening’ asks of us

When someone says they just want to be heard, they’re not asking for less. They’re asking for something that’s harder to give.

To truly listen means setting aside the part of us that wants to be useful, that wants to prove we can help, that wants the good feeling of having solved something. It means trusting that your presence alone is enough, even when it doesn’t feel like you’re “doing” anything at all.

A question like the one I offer above can become a powerful catalyst for connection. Yet our culture’s tendency to immediately jump into doing often causes us to overlook this simple option when communicating with others.

The impact, however, can be enormous. It fosters connection and belonging, which in the end is what many people feel is missing.

When we embrace compassion as a way of life, these simple yet powerful approaches to conversation become not only clearer, but easier to practice. We become better able to respect where people are and meet them exactly where they are in their journey.

What would change in our relationships if we asked this question more often?

— Roselyn Pérez Casiano