Why High-Achieving Women Say “I’m Fine” When They’re Not

“How are you doing?”

“I’m fine.”

Even when you’re exhausted. Even when you’re overwhelmed. Even when you’re barely holding it together.

I’m not talking about saying “I’m fine” to a stranger at the grocery store or some random person asking how you are. I’m talking about the people who are supposed to be safe. Your partner. Your close friends. Your family members who genuinely care about you.

And when you’re struggling with something, here’s the thought that comes to mind: I just don’t want to be a bother. Everyone has so much on their plate already.

But you know what you’re really saying to yourself?

That your emotions, your feelings, your wellbeing—they’re not as important as theirs.

Let me ask you something. If someone you deeply love—your partner, your child, your best friend—was struggling and you could see it, wouldn’t you want to be there for them? Wouldn’t you want to support them, help them, or just be present because you love them?

Every single person I’ve asked this has said yes. Of course they would.

So here’s the follow-up question: Why don’t you think you’re worthy of that same support?

Because here’s the thing. When you say “I’m just fine, I’m good, don’t worry about it, I don’t want to be a bother”—you’re not just saying that to them. You’re saying it to yourself. Because deep down, that’s what you believe about yourself.

Everyone else around you loves you. They care about you. But you? You’re not as important to you.

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The Hard Truth About Unworthiness

This can be a hard truth. Especially for high-performing women who’ve accomplished amazing things. Consciously, you don’t see this. You can ask anyone, “Yeah, I love myself, I take care of myself, I exercise, I know I’m a badass.”

But your worth? It’s tied to exactly this—to achieving, to performing, to proving yourself.

That’s why achieving a goal feels like life or death. It HAS to happen. There’s this deadline. And when the goal is achieved, there’s some satisfaction—but it’s short-lasting. It’s quickly replaced by: Okay, what’s next? What’s the next thing?

To the point where I’ve heard high-performing women say: “I didn’t even get time to celebrate that.”

Can you imagine? That’s the perfect trap.

Because first, we don’t have to wait for something to materialize as a goal or achievement to celebrate. What about enjoying the process? What about enjoying every single step of the way?

But second, what’s the point of doing all that hard work, struggling, going through stress—if when you finally make it, it’s just non-stop?

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The Man on the Horse

Recently I recorded a video about this Zen story that just stuck with me.

There was a man on top of a horse, and the horse was riding so fast. Another man saw this and yelled at him, “Hey, where are you going?”

The man on the horse said, “I don’t know—ask the horse!”

That’s exactly how many high-achieving women live their lives.

Their unworthiness—or other wounds—have led them. And they’re not aware of this. The unworthiness wound has infiltrated their identity so much that it’s disguised itself. Not as low self-worth, but as a go-getter. A high achiever. A successful person who never takes no for an answer. Who goes for things. Who excels at everything.

You’ve built confidence. But it’s a confidence that’s completely founded on achievements.

And it comes to a point where it feels like the horse is guiding the way. Life. Circumstances. Stress. Anxiety. Overwhelm. Tiredness. All of the information, systems, strategies, goals, new things coming in—all of that becomes the horse that completely disconnects you from your purpose, from being connected with who you truly are deep down.

And the horse many times becomes a false identity. Because who are you without all of that?

That’s why so many women feel guilty whenever they rest.

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How Much Longer Are You Going to Live This Way?

Because here’s the thing—your body, your mind, your soul can only take so much of this. It’s not sustainable.

And by that simple question, answering “I’m fine,” you’re saying so much.

If you find yourself in this constant up and down—this never-ending pursuit of achieving, feeling proud and happy for a moment, then jumping to the next thing, feeling tired and exhausted all the time again until that next thing happens, just waiting for your body to crash down before you say, “Oh yeah, we’ve got to take a vacation”—

That’s survival.

And it’s going to continue to build resentment. Physical conditions. Disconnect from who you truly are. From your purpose. From the feeling that what you’re doing actually matters.

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The Difference Between Purpose and Survival

Think about this. You may have an idea about yourself, about your life. You may be convinced of something that you are. But if it’s tied to survival, I’m telling you—that’s not your true self.

And that part is going to wear you down. That part is going to disguise itself in so many different ways that your conscious mind won’t be able to identify it until you tap within.

Because one thing is going after a goal and enjoying every single step of the way—whether that goal happens or not, you’re moving forward because you love it. It connects you. Makes you feel purposeful. Makes you feel complete, even without the goal being achieved.

That’s one thing.

But another thing is identifying a goal, working hard, hustling, finding strategies, reaching that goal, feeling a sense of excitement—also mixed with relief—and then immediately thinking: Now what?

If the latter is your situation, then it’s unworthiness and survival running the show.

And it doesn’t have to be that way.

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The Subtle Ways Survival Shows Up

I just wanted to show you how in small ways—like saying “I’m fine” when you’re not—survival creeps in. It’s present in your everyday life in these very subtle ways.

So what can you do?

Step 1: Give Yourself the Opportunity to See

First, identify this. Connect with yourself. Identify thoughts that lead to accessing worth through your actions.

Like: Every time I complete this to-do list, I feel like I can breathe.

Guess what? Those are actions founded in unworthiness. Because only after you complete that, then and only then, do you feel good about yourself.

Every time you say “I’m fine” to someone who genuinely is a safe person and cares about you—that’s another sign.

And many times we don’t see these things because we’ve normalized survival so much that we completely dismiss it as normal.

But the implication and the mark it leaves daily on your mental wellbeing? It’s bigger than we can even think of.

So: identification. Self-awareness.

Step 2: Make a Choice

Once you have that awareness, it’s a matter of making a decision. A choice. And going in the opposite direction.

Let’s take the “being fine” example. If you find the urge to dismiss connection, to dismiss someone being there for you—go the opposite route.

I remember once I was crying in my closet. I’m talking to you about this because I’ve been there.

I was crying in my closet because I wanted to hide. Make sure my husband didn’t see me. My husband—over 20 years together.

Can you imagine?

And I had to stop and look at myself in that position and say, What are you doing? You have someone who loves you down there, waiting for you, ready to embrace you and love you.

Even if he had nothing that could help me with the situation, at least he could be there for me.

Breaking with that—challenging myself to go towards him and opening up—was extremely difficult.

But it was an act of self-love.

I didn’t even do it for him in that moment. I had to see it as self-love.

Step 3: Regulate Your Nervous System

And that’s the message I want to share with you. Whenever you go the opposite direction of what makes you feel comfortable, when you dare to go into the uncomfortable—whenever something is no longer working for you, you change the meaning. You change the belief systems that make you repeat patterns.

But to do this, here’s the other recommendation: Make sure you regulate. Make sure you self-soothe.

Because you’re not just going against words or beliefs or your conscious mind. You’re going against your nervous system.

And that’s okay. That’s okay.

Because trust and believe, what’s waiting on the other side is pure bliss. It’s the transformation that you’re so much seeking.

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You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

And to do this, it’s extremely helpful to do it in a way that’s safe. To do it with people who are safe.

That’s why I created a community on Facebook where I invite you to join. To be part of this community where we constantly talk about safety and how to build wealth without putting yourself to the extreme.

It’s possible.

Join the community here: https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1Nvf2AeDtK/

And check out my free masterclass on how to build wealth without burnout: https://insightfulessence.com/

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I love that you connected with me. Thank you so much.

If you feel that anyone you know could benefit from this, please share this with them.

I look forward to staying connected with you.

Take care.