5 Signs You’re Chasing Society’s Definition of Success (Not Your Own)

Do You Know How Old This Problem Is?

The never enough. The something missing. The “there’s got to be more than this.”

This isn’t a new human problem. Yet we continue to fixate on solving it through means that haven’t proven they help us.

We focus on mindset work. On accumulating more knowledge. On strategic thinking and goal-setting and productivity hacks.

Everything except what actually works: regulating our nervous system, connecting with our emotions, reflecting, turning inward.

And here’s the thing – success is so abstract that if you gather a hundred people and ask them what success means, they’ll tell you completely different things.

Yet somehow, we’ve all bought into the same basic formula. And it’s not even ours.

What Society Programmed Into Your Nervous System

Something that’s inherent in our human nature is to want more, to thrive, to grow, to be seen. But here’s what happens:

The way society tells us to define success – and not just what we need to accomplish, but HOW we need to accomplish it – gets ingrained in our nervous system and our identity so much that we do this without knowing.

Many of the things that truly make us happy, that are tied to our authenticity and who we actually are? They get neglected. Pushed to the side.

Because these aren’t seen as important as those things that society has identified as what really matters.

So we end up chasing success in a way that aligns more with what society wants for us instead of what we want for ourselves.

Why You Have Everything But Feel Nothing

And that’s why you have people that are extremely wealthy, have great relationships, appear to have it all – but they’re not happy.

Secretly, they feel shame and guilt because they look at their lives and think, “Why isn’t this enough? There’s got to be something more.”

Even though there are so many articles and experts talking about this topic, we continue to struggle with this particular area because we’re solving the wrong problem.

5 Signs You’re Living Someone Else’s Success Story

Sign #1: You’re Always There for Others, But Have No One for You

Something I often hear is people feeling like there aren’t many people they can rely on. They’re the ones to always be there for others, to help others. They’re the ones people go to, but they’re not the ones who go to people seeking help.

Maybe because you have a perception that the problems you carry are something other people can’t help you with. Or secretly, you look at other people’s problems and you’ve gotten into the habit of being really good at diagnosing what they’re struggling with and offering advice.

But have you ever wondered what’s the true source of relating to people in that way?

Here’s what many high achievers aren’t aware of: Every time you’re struggling and you make the decision not to reach out, not to be supported, even to be heard – because dismissing things comes so easy for you – you’re telling your brain, your subconscious mind, that other people’s emotions, opinions, feelings are more important than yours.

Or that no one’s really there for you.

Sign #2: You Can’t Name What’s Missing (But You Feel It Every Day)

Many times people aren’t even able to articulate or name what it is that’s missing, what’s that feeling that’s missing, or what’s wrong.

And there’s nothing more frustrating than thinking that there’s just something that doesn’t feel like enough, yet you can’t point to what it is.

What high achievers and high performers tend to do is normalize it and say, “You know what, this is life. This is what life is. I guess you can’t have it all all the time.”

And even though that’s true to some extent, what we don’t know is that many of the things you may be experiencing are really tied to survival. They’re tied to an unconscious decision to neglect and abandon the things that truly give you fulfillment and contentment and peace.

Sign #3: You Try to Think Your Way Out of Everything

Most high-performing women seek connection, purpose, meaning by reading, by increasing their knowledge, by strategic thinking, by solution-focused approaches, by incorporating techniques and tools.

All of this is done at a conscious, rationalized, logic level that’s actually forbidding you from accessing the deeper roots.

When every personal development technique or tool is done only at a rational level, without accessing the emotions, without accessing the nervous system – I’m telling you, that becomes part of the survival source. It becomes part of the very source that’s causing those problems in the first place.

But we don’t know this. Sometimes we do, because we have so much knowledge and intelligence, but if the feelings persist, it means it’s time to get real.

Sign #4: You Feel Disconnected Despite Being “Together”

I have been in this situation where at some point in my life, I felt like I was the one everybody goes to, that I had my shit together.

But what that did was really keep me from opening up and connecting with my true self – who was a terrified child that was using judgment, being guarded, criticizing, separation, disconnection.

It was impacting the level of connection in my relationship. Even at work. In every area of my life.

Sign #5: You Can’t Access What You’re Actually Seeking

What we truly want, what deep down we truly seek, is to be heard, to be seen, to leave a legacy, to make a difference, to matter, to lead, to belong, to be loved and appreciated.

But how hard is it to open yourself to this?

What Every Goal Is Really About

Think about this: Every single goal that you could ever set in your life is with the intention to achieve an emotional outcome.

If you remove the emotional outcome from any goal that will take you to that success you so much seek, without the emotional outcome – you wouldn’t even try. Because it’s not going to be worth it.

Let’s say you get to have $10 million in addition to the money you currently have. Yet you don’t get to enjoy it or be happy. You would feel the exact same way that you feel today.

Would that be discouraging? I would like to imagine that it is.

Because what we’re truly seeking is a state of being.

Despite all the ambitious goals I have seen my clients set for themselves in any area, they all lead to either peace, happiness, contentment, fulfillment, joy, freedom, creativity, confidence, belonging, connection.

These are non-negotiable. These are what we really look for.

The Hard Truth About This Work

Let me tell you, this is the hard stuff. This is the hard stuff because this type of work is not something that you need to survive in life, which makes it more difficult for people to make the choice to take this step.

By finding tools that momentarily allow you to move on – like meditating only at a surface level or journaling or practicing mindset affirmations – but when this deeper part isn’t accessed, guess what? It will never be enough.

There’s always a next level. There’s always something else that we can do to better ourselves, to grow, to access our true selves.

We’re at a Crossroads

I’m a genuine believer that this is the type of work that’s calling on us as humanity to evolve.

We’re at a point in society where we have done everything. We have tried so much. We have access to information like never in human history before.

But yet, why are we still struggling emotionally? Mentally? Physically?

It’s because there’s a gray area that hasn’t been tapped yet.

We’re at a crossroads where true success will be determined by feelings and emotions.

The Questions That Will Change Everything

What is it that success truly means to you? What emotional outcome would success bring to you?

And I want to leave you with this question: Why can’t you access it now? What’s keeping you? What’s keeping you from accessing this emotion right now?

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Want to dive deeper into this? Listen to the full podcast episode where I elaborate on how to recognize when you’re chasing society’s version of success instead of your own.

LISTEN TO THE COMPLETE EPISODE

If you feel this conversation could be helpful to extend, please connect with me. I would love to hear your story. Visit my contact page and mention “gates of awareness” for my free guide on recognizing the patterns running your life.

Because this is the reason why I do this work.

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Roselyn Perez is a former therapist, now identity and nervous system expert who helps high-achieving women distinguish between authentic success and survival-driven achievement.